Sold my very first building today. I'm so excited! The hay has been doing very well, but my suppliers ran out of their cheap hay and now they are having to buy me more expensive hay. Don't know how that will play out. Hope it will keep selling through the winter and that the buildings will start up as people get their tax returns.
I really hope this business is successful. It would mean a lot to me that I could make a business out of nothing and make it successful. It is already helping me reestablish my self esteem and I'm feeling good about myself. Every successful negotiation, every coup, every sale, adds to my sense of self worth because it proves I'm good at something. I'm good at business and making deals. I am raising out of the ashes I made out of my life and rebuilding.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Not much new, just updating!
Not much going on in my life currently. Business is slower than I want, but the major problem is I'm running out of hay. Or more correctly, my suppliers are running out of hay and hay has been my only source of income for some time now. I've made some money with it, but then I've had to put money back into the business. That and doctor's appointments, so there isn't much left. I'm disappointed the hay didn't last longer, at least through February.
Now I must come up with an alternative product to keep the rent paid. I am seriously considering produce and thinking about a big sign campaign to promote it. Although I am also considering Fireworks, balloon bouquets and feed. I was awarded a dealership for MFM Feed stores, but my price is more than what they sell to the public, so I'm not sure that will work, even though I am out in the country and would save the buyer a trip into town. Not sure if I could move enough to make it worth my expense and effort.
But I need to come up with something. I have to make enough to at least pay my rent and get electric turned on. I have had a few people seemingly serious about wanting to buy a portable building after the first of the year. We'll see!
It is all going so much slower than I'm happy with, but maybe it will be a stronger business because of its slow growth. I just have to keep it covering its expenses. I don't have enough personal income to cover business loses.
Personally, I'm not dating or even talking to anyone currently. I know if I found my match, I'd want to be married again someday, but barring that, it looks like I'll be alone the rest of my life. Finding a new soul mate way out here in the country is difficult at best. My heart is still attached to "Carl", but I am slowly making progress getting over him.
I am internalizing a lot and learning who I am. Don't know where that will get me...
Now I must come up with an alternative product to keep the rent paid. I am seriously considering produce and thinking about a big sign campaign to promote it. Although I am also considering Fireworks, balloon bouquets and feed. I was awarded a dealership for MFM Feed stores, but my price is more than what they sell to the public, so I'm not sure that will work, even though I am out in the country and would save the buyer a trip into town. Not sure if I could move enough to make it worth my expense and effort.
But I need to come up with something. I have to make enough to at least pay my rent and get electric turned on. I have had a few people seemingly serious about wanting to buy a portable building after the first of the year. We'll see!
It is all going so much slower than I'm happy with, but maybe it will be a stronger business because of its slow growth. I just have to keep it covering its expenses. I don't have enough personal income to cover business loses.
Personally, I'm not dating or even talking to anyone currently. I know if I found my match, I'd want to be married again someday, but barring that, it looks like I'll be alone the rest of my life. Finding a new soul mate way out here in the country is difficult at best. My heart is still attached to "Carl", but I am slowly making progress getting over him.
I am internalizing a lot and learning who I am. Don't know where that will get me...
Thursday, November 18, 2010
The loss!
Yesterday I found out a very dear and close personal friend died. Roger was more than just a friend. He was a one time lover and we talked of getting married. That is where our relationship was headed before he became sick with liver cancer. Once that happened, he sort of closed ranks within himself and put everything on hold, much to my displeasure and protest.
I wanted to be there for him through his final days and even purposed to him. He had seen his wife through her cancer and been there with her through it all. Perhaps that is why he didn't want anyone with him, he knew how hard it was to go through that. I suppose he was protecting me, but it had the affect of leaving me out and feeling like an outsider.
I wish people had known how close we were and how important I was to him. He never even got to the stage of calling me his girlfriend, although he never dated anyone else, called every night and came every weekend to take me to dinner.
His death closes the door of one of my possible futures. I am certain we would have eventually married had he not gotten sick. That was our goal, but Roger was "pacing" himself and running a "marathon" not a "sprint". He told me he wasn't going anywhere and as long as he could physically keep that promise, he never did.
But then last week he did leave me, for good and I am heartbroken. Roger and I had deep discussions about God, heaven, etc. He firmly believed with his whole being in an afterlife and that he would be in Heaven. I never did. But now I wish more than anything his dream is real. I would like to think of him in a place like that, instead of having to face the probability that he is just gone....forever.
I imagine death of a close friend causes everyone a moment of deep introspection, questionings, regrets, hopes and a stew full of emotions. I know it has for me.
I will never be what Roger wanted for me, a true believer and Christian, especially now that "God" has taken such a wonderful man from me. I will continue to stay mad at the false hope people call "God", but I am grateful Roger had something strong to hold onto until the end. He prayed God would save him and that he could get a liver transplant, but I guess God wasn't listening.
I am in the deep pain someone goes through when they lose someone so dear to them. I will miss Roger terribly. He loved me and cared about me. He encouraged and supported me when others wouldn't. That is impossible to replace and is a cutting wound to live without.
Roper, I love and miss you. I'm sorry life was taken from you far too soon and I'm sorry for myself not to have you any longer. You were a good man. One of the few.
I wanted to be there for him through his final days and even purposed to him. He had seen his wife through her cancer and been there with her through it all. Perhaps that is why he didn't want anyone with him, he knew how hard it was to go through that. I suppose he was protecting me, but it had the affect of leaving me out and feeling like an outsider.
I wish people had known how close we were and how important I was to him. He never even got to the stage of calling me his girlfriend, although he never dated anyone else, called every night and came every weekend to take me to dinner.
His death closes the door of one of my possible futures. I am certain we would have eventually married had he not gotten sick. That was our goal, but Roger was "pacing" himself and running a "marathon" not a "sprint". He told me he wasn't going anywhere and as long as he could physically keep that promise, he never did.
But then last week he did leave me, for good and I am heartbroken. Roger and I had deep discussions about God, heaven, etc. He firmly believed with his whole being in an afterlife and that he would be in Heaven. I never did. But now I wish more than anything his dream is real. I would like to think of him in a place like that, instead of having to face the probability that he is just gone....forever.
I imagine death of a close friend causes everyone a moment of deep introspection, questionings, regrets, hopes and a stew full of emotions. I know it has for me.
I will never be what Roger wanted for me, a true believer and Christian, especially now that "God" has taken such a wonderful man from me. I will continue to stay mad at the false hope people call "God", but I am grateful Roger had something strong to hold onto until the end. He prayed God would save him and that he could get a liver transplant, but I guess God wasn't listening.
I am in the deep pain someone goes through when they lose someone so dear to them. I will miss Roger terribly. He loved me and cared about me. He encouraged and supported me when others wouldn't. That is impossible to replace and is a cutting wound to live without.
Roper, I love and miss you. I'm sorry life was taken from you far too soon and I'm sorry for myself not to have you any longer. You were a good man. One of the few.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Business just might work
Unbelievably my new business venture looks very promising. Moving a lot of hay, which will build the foundation for the garden center in the spring. Even had my first storage building customer today. This might actually grow into a real business that makes money. So far it has been a lot of fun and giving some meaning in my life. Maybe I can redeem myself in the final phase in my life. A successful business that is actually profitable and that I can sell for a profit someday would sure sooth my embarrassed soul and validate me for a change.
My life is starting to have meaning and purpose. All this without a man!
My life is starting to have meaning and purpose. All this without a man!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Musing of a former swinger!
My sex drive currently is almost non-existent. The couple of reasons I feel for this situation is not being able to find a man that I'm turned on enough by to even want to be sexual. The past several relationships have been sorely lacking in reasons for me to be stimulated. There just isn't very good dating material out here in the country, or at least not for my unusual standards.
I like intelligent men who have more to talk about than their pick up trucks and cows.
But mostly, I think I've jaded myself. I've been with so many men that I've become very selective in what I want out of sex. And I've gotten to the point, if I don't get what I like, then I don't want anything at all. Most men just aren't worth the effort it takes in being super sexual and participating in things I don't particularly like. I used to do everything I could to please a man, even if I didn't care for the act, but now, I just don't care enough to put that kind of effort in with someone I'm not in love with.
I've also gotten lazy this past year. I find I want to be "serviced" more than I want a mutual exchange of excitement or foreplay.
Out of all the men I've been with, and there have been a lot, only three raise to the top of being a perfect match for me. Lately I find I want a really hard dick, a man who is not too overweight and doesn't have a large belly, (it is hard putting too fat bellies together), who has the energy to move fast and who does not take forever to cum. Although almost any penis will do, I've grown to like a certain size that fits into my vagina perfectly, both width and length.
Although I don't admit it to most men, there is a "perfect fit" and I sure enjoy it when it is perfect. The "perfect fit" is different for every woman because, just like the men, women's bodies are all different sizes and what is comfortable to one, may not be comfortable to another.
I found this to be true one time when a shared a lover with a girlfriend. He was absolutely perfect for me, one of the best lovers I've ever had, but she didn't like him at all. That was very strange for me, but it all makes sense when you analysis it in detail.
I have always said my brain was the largest sex organ I have and it is true. If I'm really into a man, nothing matters. When I was with the man I'm in love with, I would do anything for him, enjoying every minute, and didn't care whether we had sex or not. But even with a much better physical lover, some of the best, I've just laid there and not enjoyed myself at all. So for me, sex not to mention love making, is all about how turned on I am by the man himself.
And I've been with so many men, not many men interest me anymore. It takes a very special person to get me to even want to try. This is coming from a woman who has done it all and been very wild in my swinging days.
I do not regret all my sexual activity, in fact just the opposite. I am proud I've delivered myself from the chains of sexual repression and I've enjoyed all the exploring. Learned a lot, did what I wanted and discovered things about myself I might not have ever learned, so all is not lost. But my sex drive sure is for right now. And I don't even mind.
Without the pull of sexual activity, if frees you up from not having to do all the other dull things than go with pleasing a man, like cooking for him, watching sports, letting him talk for hours about nonsense and feeling used because when he wants sex, you pretty much are expected to want it too. And most men want it a lot in the first few encounters. By the time they lose interest in you, you are so ready for them to leave.
Living without sex is probably a good thing for me, at least for awhile. Sex will mean more when I do find a man I enjoy the other 90% of the time.
I'm sure age has something to do with slowing down, but then I keep running into men my age who can't perform, so it works both ways.
It is this time in life where it would be nice to have a man you've been with for years, that you truly love and loves you. No expectations, no demands, no pressure to preform, just everyday life with a little spice from time to time.
I like intelligent men who have more to talk about than their pick up trucks and cows.
But mostly, I think I've jaded myself. I've been with so many men that I've become very selective in what I want out of sex. And I've gotten to the point, if I don't get what I like, then I don't want anything at all. Most men just aren't worth the effort it takes in being super sexual and participating in things I don't particularly like. I used to do everything I could to please a man, even if I didn't care for the act, but now, I just don't care enough to put that kind of effort in with someone I'm not in love with.
I've also gotten lazy this past year. I find I want to be "serviced" more than I want a mutual exchange of excitement or foreplay.
Out of all the men I've been with, and there have been a lot, only three raise to the top of being a perfect match for me. Lately I find I want a really hard dick, a man who is not too overweight and doesn't have a large belly, (it is hard putting too fat bellies together), who has the energy to move fast and who does not take forever to cum. Although almost any penis will do, I've grown to like a certain size that fits into my vagina perfectly, both width and length.
Although I don't admit it to most men, there is a "perfect fit" and I sure enjoy it when it is perfect. The "perfect fit" is different for every woman because, just like the men, women's bodies are all different sizes and what is comfortable to one, may not be comfortable to another.
I found this to be true one time when a shared a lover with a girlfriend. He was absolutely perfect for me, one of the best lovers I've ever had, but she didn't like him at all. That was very strange for me, but it all makes sense when you analysis it in detail.
I have always said my brain was the largest sex organ I have and it is true. If I'm really into a man, nothing matters. When I was with the man I'm in love with, I would do anything for him, enjoying every minute, and didn't care whether we had sex or not. But even with a much better physical lover, some of the best, I've just laid there and not enjoyed myself at all. So for me, sex not to mention love making, is all about how turned on I am by the man himself.
And I've been with so many men, not many men interest me anymore. It takes a very special person to get me to even want to try. This is coming from a woman who has done it all and been very wild in my swinging days.
I do not regret all my sexual activity, in fact just the opposite. I am proud I've delivered myself from the chains of sexual repression and I've enjoyed all the exploring. Learned a lot, did what I wanted and discovered things about myself I might not have ever learned, so all is not lost. But my sex drive sure is for right now. And I don't even mind.
Without the pull of sexual activity, if frees you up from not having to do all the other dull things than go with pleasing a man, like cooking for him, watching sports, letting him talk for hours about nonsense and feeling used because when he wants sex, you pretty much are expected to want it too. And most men want it a lot in the first few encounters. By the time they lose interest in you, you are so ready for them to leave.
Living without sex is probably a good thing for me, at least for awhile. Sex will mean more when I do find a man I enjoy the other 90% of the time.
I'm sure age has something to do with slowing down, but then I keep running into men my age who can't perform, so it works both ways.
It is this time in life where it would be nice to have a man you've been with for years, that you truly love and loves you. No expectations, no demands, no pressure to preform, just everyday life with a little spice from time to time.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Is there a God?
I still don't know the answer to that question. I do know that I lean very strongly against there being a god. I have many valid reasons to reason this, yet Christians are funny people, they will not believe someone has good reasons for not believing. They don't listen to your reasons, no matter how valid they are. They turn everything around to as somehow you were damaged and lost your way, but that God has not left you, you've left God.
Everything is about belief and blind faith. I can not do blind faith again for anyone. If there is a god, he/she/it should be powerful enough, in light of all they created and intelligent enough, to prove their existence through the science they obviously love so much that they used in every aspect of creation. If science is so vital to life, which there is no denying that, then why can't science be used to prove to us doubters that there really is a being who controls things? Is that so much to ask?
As a parent, you wouldn't want your children to just believe any stranger that came up to them and made some claim. You would want your children to be smart enough to ask questions, to ask for proof of any given claim, before they blindly wondered off with a stranger into a weird way of life. You don't want your children to be anyone's fool. Isn't God the ultimate parent? Shouldn't he want us to question and demand proof. Why does he supposedly want us to just blindly follow some stories being told to us by people motivated to get us to follow along?
None of the God claims make any sense when put to the test of logic, yet God had to have the ultimate logic to create the science that rules the creation.
There is logic and science behind everything that exists, except God. In him, you must "blindly believe". Somehow, giving over your reason for blind belief makes you a "better" person or more open soul. Can anyone say gullible?
Deep down, I want there to be a god. The thought of nothingness on the other side of life is not pleasant for me and I cling to the childhood dreams of a magical world beyond this one in which I will be reunited with all my loved ones...especially my mother whom I miss daily.
All I can say at this point, is that I hope I'm wrong about God, but I fear I am not.
Everything is about belief and blind faith. I can not do blind faith again for anyone. If there is a god, he/she/it should be powerful enough, in light of all they created and intelligent enough, to prove their existence through the science they obviously love so much that they used in every aspect of creation. If science is so vital to life, which there is no denying that, then why can't science be used to prove to us doubters that there really is a being who controls things? Is that so much to ask?
As a parent, you wouldn't want your children to just believe any stranger that came up to them and made some claim. You would want your children to be smart enough to ask questions, to ask for proof of any given claim, before they blindly wondered off with a stranger into a weird way of life. You don't want your children to be anyone's fool. Isn't God the ultimate parent? Shouldn't he want us to question and demand proof. Why does he supposedly want us to just blindly follow some stories being told to us by people motivated to get us to follow along?
None of the God claims make any sense when put to the test of logic, yet God had to have the ultimate logic to create the science that rules the creation.
There is logic and science behind everything that exists, except God. In him, you must "blindly believe". Somehow, giving over your reason for blind belief makes you a "better" person or more open soul. Can anyone say gullible?
Deep down, I want there to be a god. The thought of nothingness on the other side of life is not pleasant for me and I cling to the childhood dreams of a magical world beyond this one in which I will be reunited with all my loved ones...especially my mother whom I miss daily.
All I can say at this point, is that I hope I'm wrong about God, but I fear I am not.
Another year older!
Well my birthday came and went and I am now officially another year older. While I am getting happier each passing year, I feel the winter of my life threatening me as not being too far off.
The only thing my birthday didn't have was a romantic interest in my life and that was sort of sad. If I listen to some of the men on my dating site, I may not have anything a man wants anymore. My looks are certainly going down hill fast, I am not aging gracefully. Quite the opposite. I feel as if I look 10 years older than I am.
My sex drive has all but died on me and I'm not into "preforming sex" anymore. I don't have anything to prove to anyone any longer, so my approach to sex is more in the warmth of having someone lie beside me stage. I don't do anything I don't like to do just for the man. My whole life is turning into pretty much all about me and what I want. Very unusual position for me to be in.
My business is providing me the "fill" in the emptiness I was feeling. It is something productive to do everyday. I just have to try and not take it too seriously. It is not one of my "get rich" dreams and I have to stay focused on it being just something to do and some extra money mindset. I don't want to put myself under the pressure of it having to be a huge success. Just a small success will do.
My car is still down which causes me huge frustration and keeps me reminded how dependent I am on my children, especially Steve and Carolyn. I do want that to change, but I'm getting very comfortable living out here. I like my little house. Everything is so efficient and I've always been a fan of being efficient.
I've given up on the love of my life finally and really this time for sure. I know he does not love me and never will, so I've accepted that and am trying to completely close that door. It would be nice to still be friends with him because I still find him a remarkable person, but we women have a hard time with that. Every time I am around him, all the old feelings come back as strong as ever. So, in order to protect myself and any growth I've made towards giving him up, I have to cut him completely out of my life. It is very, very sad and hard for me. I know I will never love like that again. It was a once in a lifetime deal.
But I do hope to find companionship someday. I'm ready now. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life and I'd like to have someone to share in my life and family and I in his.
It may not sound as if I'm as content as I am, but I am basically very happy now. There are a couple of sad things in my life, but I'm not under the pressure and stress I've known most of my life. So, life is good finally.
The only thing my birthday didn't have was a romantic interest in my life and that was sort of sad. If I listen to some of the men on my dating site, I may not have anything a man wants anymore. My looks are certainly going down hill fast, I am not aging gracefully. Quite the opposite. I feel as if I look 10 years older than I am.
My sex drive has all but died on me and I'm not into "preforming sex" anymore. I don't have anything to prove to anyone any longer, so my approach to sex is more in the warmth of having someone lie beside me stage. I don't do anything I don't like to do just for the man. My whole life is turning into pretty much all about me and what I want. Very unusual position for me to be in.
My business is providing me the "fill" in the emptiness I was feeling. It is something productive to do everyday. I just have to try and not take it too seriously. It is not one of my "get rich" dreams and I have to stay focused on it being just something to do and some extra money mindset. I don't want to put myself under the pressure of it having to be a huge success. Just a small success will do.
My car is still down which causes me huge frustration and keeps me reminded how dependent I am on my children, especially Steve and Carolyn. I do want that to change, but I'm getting very comfortable living out here. I like my little house. Everything is so efficient and I've always been a fan of being efficient.
I've given up on the love of my life finally and really this time for sure. I know he does not love me and never will, so I've accepted that and am trying to completely close that door. It would be nice to still be friends with him because I still find him a remarkable person, but we women have a hard time with that. Every time I am around him, all the old feelings come back as strong as ever. So, in order to protect myself and any growth I've made towards giving him up, I have to cut him completely out of my life. It is very, very sad and hard for me. I know I will never love like that again. It was a once in a lifetime deal.
But I do hope to find companionship someday. I'm ready now. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life and I'd like to have someone to share in my life and family and I in his.
It may not sound as if I'm as content as I am, but I am basically very happy now. There are a couple of sad things in my life, but I'm not under the pressure and stress I've known most of my life. So, life is good finally.
Friday, October 29, 2010
A Poem from a friend.
This is a moving poem, sent to me by a friend. Certainly speaks to my soul.
The Invitation
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."
It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
The Invitation
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."
It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
Another week down!
This week was slow. Still have a lot of flowers left that I will probably not move before they wither. I shouldn't have gotten more mums Monday, but then I would have nothing to sell this week.
The hay is picking up. I found two suppliers for good square bale hay, which will sell faster because I can load it, whereas I have no way to load single round bales. Maybe next year I can get a lift of some kind.
It is hard to go this slow, but it is a solid way to build a debt free business. The buildings will arrive next Thursday. I sure hope I can sell a couple this month. I think they will get a lot of attention at first, because there hasn't been anything new here for years.
So, out of nothing I have a business selling flowers, hay, firewood, portable buildings, fountains, and iron works, none of which I pay anything for except the flowers. It is all consignment and I get 10% of everything I sale. Maybe next year I can afford to buy wholesale and make more profit, but for now this is a great way to build something from nothing. Just my time, energy and smarts. I am proud of myself...even if it doesn't work out in the long run.
I do work a lot of hours and am tired all the time. I have no personal life anymore and no time for dating. But maybe I will build something where I can have a balance in life soon.
I did not realize other people read my posts. I assumed I was talking to myself since no one comments and I didn't know how to tract people looking in. A friend of mine mentioned he tracked his "hits" and so I found out how to do mine. It appears I've had a lot of people look around. Surprise. I really thought I was talking to myself. Surely you all were very bored and only glanced. I'll try to be more entertaining for now on, now that I know I'm not alone. But don't hold your breath, I have nothing important to say.
The hay is picking up. I found two suppliers for good square bale hay, which will sell faster because I can load it, whereas I have no way to load single round bales. Maybe next year I can get a lift of some kind.
It is hard to go this slow, but it is a solid way to build a debt free business. The buildings will arrive next Thursday. I sure hope I can sell a couple this month. I think they will get a lot of attention at first, because there hasn't been anything new here for years.
So, out of nothing I have a business selling flowers, hay, firewood, portable buildings, fountains, and iron works, none of which I pay anything for except the flowers. It is all consignment and I get 10% of everything I sale. Maybe next year I can afford to buy wholesale and make more profit, but for now this is a great way to build something from nothing. Just my time, energy and smarts. I am proud of myself...even if it doesn't work out in the long run.
I do work a lot of hours and am tired all the time. I have no personal life anymore and no time for dating. But maybe I will build something where I can have a balance in life soon.
I did not realize other people read my posts. I assumed I was talking to myself since no one comments and I didn't know how to tract people looking in. A friend of mine mentioned he tracked his "hits" and so I found out how to do mine. It appears I've had a lot of people look around. Surprise. I really thought I was talking to myself. Surely you all were very bored and only glanced. I'll try to be more entertaining for now on, now that I know I'm not alone. But don't hold your breath, I have nothing important to say.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Slow going
My self made business is slowly taking off. Had a hay buyer today and if she goes through with the deal, it will be $96.00 profit for me. The flowers are going slowly, but at least I sell something everyday. Can't wait for the buildings to arrive and don't know when they will get here. The agreement said to start November 1st, so they might not come until next week. I'll be disappointed because I am really ready to get started. I've already had two people interested, so no telling how many will be when the buildings get there. And that is where I'll make my real money.
Don't know how all this will go, but it is fun having something to do each day rather than just sleep. It is quite a change in my life and I'm taking control of my life again. Just have to be patient and take things slow. Nothing ever goes fast enough for me.
I can't wait for the day when I can look back on this new start and know that it was the beginning of saving my life.
Now if I could just solve my love life. I'm lonely, but bored with dating. Just wish I had someone I loved who loved me back. I would like to share my life with someone I loved.
Time will tell all.
Don't know how all this will go, but it is fun having something to do each day rather than just sleep. It is quite a change in my life and I'm taking control of my life again. Just have to be patient and take things slow. Nothing ever goes fast enough for me.
I can't wait for the day when I can look back on this new start and know that it was the beginning of saving my life.
Now if I could just solve my love life. I'm lonely, but bored with dating. Just wish I had someone I loved who loved me back. I would like to share my life with someone I loved.
Time will tell all.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Health concerns
I wanted to post my concerns about my health just for the record. Not really any other place to discuss worries. I have been having problems with sleeping and breathing. I wake up sometimes trying to catch my breath because I will stop breathing in the night. For a week or so, I could not sleep 30 minutes straight because I would just stop breathing. Even when I was awake, I would struggle with catching my breath.
That has pretty much ended, but now I am congested and coughing all the time. I don't think it is just a passing thing. I worry about it being COPD, which I was diagnosed with in California. This is really frightening me, but I can't afford to do anything about it yet. I need to go to the doctor, but I can't afford it just yet. I will need to get lung xrays to tell for sure and I know that will be expensive.
I will also be glad to get back on my bi-polar meds because they help so much with my muscle pain. When I'm on my meds, I almost have no pain at all, but when I'm off them, I hurt all the time, to the point I can hardly move.
My plan is to get the building thing going and have some money coming in. Then I will go to the doctor to get all this looked at. Hopefully, I can sell a building quickly and get money in right away. If I can just make $200.00 to $400.00 a month extra for awhile, I'll be happy. It is better than sitting at home and staying in bed all day. At least that is the general opinion.
That has pretty much ended, but now I am congested and coughing all the time. I don't think it is just a passing thing. I worry about it being COPD, which I was diagnosed with in California. This is really frightening me, but I can't afford to do anything about it yet. I need to go to the doctor, but I can't afford it just yet. I will need to get lung xrays to tell for sure and I know that will be expensive.
I will also be glad to get back on my bi-polar meds because they help so much with my muscle pain. When I'm on my meds, I almost have no pain at all, but when I'm off them, I hurt all the time, to the point I can hardly move.
My plan is to get the building thing going and have some money coming in. Then I will go to the doctor to get all this looked at. Hopefully, I can sell a building quickly and get money in right away. If I can just make $200.00 to $400.00 a month extra for awhile, I'll be happy. It is better than sitting at home and staying in bed all day. At least that is the general opinion.
No matter how much I do, it is never enough!
Today has been a long, boring day, even though I did get some shopping in. I am trying to take this weekend to rest and get my strength back. I worked so hard last week and I've never fully recovered, so I took this weekend to rest my tired body. But it comes with the cost of being bored. My mind is still active, even though my body just won't cooperate. I hate getting old for that reason alone.
This week will seem like it goes on forever. The "big" ingredient to making my flower stand become a real nursery is the addition of the portable building consignments and Mr. Kcounce will not be out to look over my site until Friday. It is the real way to make real money, without having to put any money up front. It is a solid chance at rebuilding my life, so naturally I'm impatient to get it all set up since it will have such a huge impact on my life. I wish he was coming the first of the week and I was getting the buildings by the end of the week. The sooner all of it is in place, the sooner I can start to make money, which I need to keep the land, etc. It all depends on the first ball rolling.
I do plan to go out tomorrow and find some more consignment products, like stone work or iron yard figures. I know a couple of places I might try. The more "product" I have at my stand, the more people will stop and begin to realize it is a going to be a real store.
I have decided on the name "Barns and Gardens". I found two other places name Red Barn this weekend and I didn't want to be in a crowd of names. I want to stand out, so I picked a name that explains what I'll be doing. I like it. There is a good flow to it, thanks in part to Barn's and Noble Book Stores.
This week will be an important one for my future.
This week will seem like it goes on forever. The "big" ingredient to making my flower stand become a real nursery is the addition of the portable building consignments and Mr. Kcounce will not be out to look over my site until Friday. It is the real way to make real money, without having to put any money up front. It is a solid chance at rebuilding my life, so naturally I'm impatient to get it all set up since it will have such a huge impact on my life. I wish he was coming the first of the week and I was getting the buildings by the end of the week. The sooner all of it is in place, the sooner I can start to make money, which I need to keep the land, etc. It all depends on the first ball rolling.
I do plan to go out tomorrow and find some more consignment products, like stone work or iron yard figures. I know a couple of places I might try. The more "product" I have at my stand, the more people will stop and begin to realize it is a going to be a real store.
I have decided on the name "Barns and Gardens". I found two other places name Red Barn this weekend and I didn't want to be in a crowd of names. I want to stand out, so I picked a name that explains what I'll be doing. I like it. There is a good flow to it, thanks in part to Barn's and Noble Book Stores.
This week will be an important one for my future.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
A friend's suggestion
This is a poem I found while reading a poet my friend suggested. This poem really describes where I am in life.
The Journey by Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.
The Journey by Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.
My time of year
I love the Fall. Not sure why since it is the beginning of everything dying, but I love the cool weather after a long, hot, insufferable Texas summer. I love the birds all migrating to wherever they are going, although I hate losing my hummers. I love the crispness in the air and change happening all around me. Every creature seems to be rushing around to plan for the long winter, with increased visible activity. Somehow life seems renewed, not preparing to die.
Of course I love the color change in the trees, but I also love all the falling leaves and piles of crackly compost. It all represents change, which I suppose I'm the fondest of, since I bore so easily with routine.
Change, the short story of my long life. Nothing ever stays the same and I've learned to accept that. Without change, things go stale and become weak and unattractive. I have always been a seeker of change. Never happy with anything for too long, consistency alludes me and I live for the next big change.
A busy, active and distracting life has been my way. Now that I've had a long year of doing nothing, it is really time to get back into life. This time alone. I feel so alone. It is freeing in some ways and debilitating in others. There is never a perfect situation, only better or worse ones.
Of course I love the color change in the trees, but I also love all the falling leaves and piles of crackly compost. It all represents change, which I suppose I'm the fondest of, since I bore so easily with routine.
Change, the short story of my long life. Nothing ever stays the same and I've learned to accept that. Without change, things go stale and become weak and unattractive. I have always been a seeker of change. Never happy with anything for too long, consistency alludes me and I live for the next big change.
A busy, active and distracting life has been my way. Now that I've had a long year of doing nothing, it is really time to get back into life. This time alone. I feel so alone. It is freeing in some ways and debilitating in others. There is never a perfect situation, only better or worse ones.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Update
It has been a really long time since I felt like posting anything. I've been wrapped up in trying to figure out how my life should go. I became impossibility bored with my life and had to do something to get it restarted. After starting to sell Avon, I knew I needed more. More people contact, more money, more daily activities, more of life in general. So, I decided to find something else to do. Long story short, I leased some land and started selling plants on the side of the road. Well, first I sold some at Canton on First Monday and did pretty well. The road side stand isn't doing that great, but because of it, I was able get a deal worked out with a portable building manufacture to sell their buildings at my leased site. I will be only their second consignment location with 12 portable buildings on my site. I get 10% of everything I sell.
In a way, I created my own job out of nothing. I just hope I can stay afloat before I get the first building sold. I have to pay for the land, the insurance and my daily living until then. It will be "iffy" for awhile, but has the potential of becoming a pretty decent income stream. I might have rebuilt my life.
Now just to figure out how to live it without the love of my life. I would like to be in love again, but don't see any reasonable candidates anytime soon. Men are boring compared to "him" and no one seems to be able to reach my soul as he did. I suppose I can live life without that one area. A lot of people do.
Otherwise I'm happy and content.
In a way, I created my own job out of nothing. I just hope I can stay afloat before I get the first building sold. I have to pay for the land, the insurance and my daily living until then. It will be "iffy" for awhile, but has the potential of becoming a pretty decent income stream. I might have rebuilt my life.
Now just to figure out how to live it without the love of my life. I would like to be in love again, but don't see any reasonable candidates anytime soon. Men are boring compared to "him" and no one seems to be able to reach my soul as he did. I suppose I can live life without that one area. A lot of people do.
Otherwise I'm happy and content.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
To act or not to act?
When a close friend is going through the very same thing you did, do you have an obligation to save them, or just counsel them? If you know they are stuck in a situation they can't get out of on their own, do you intervene in their lives and pull them to safety, or do you stand by and watch them drown? When do you know what to do before it is forever too late?
I guess in the long run, you can only judge by what you wish someone had done for you when you were in that situation. There is no way of knowing if your help will ever be appreciated or resented. But I can't just turn and walk away, I have to do something. I have to act.
I guess in the long run, you can only judge by what you wish someone had done for you when you were in that situation. There is no way of knowing if your help will ever be appreciated or resented. But I can't just turn and walk away, I have to do something. I have to act.
Friday, July 30, 2010
From Richer to Poorer
Middle class ethics and morals are easier to keep when you are middle class and have all your needs met. When you are destitute, poor, hungry, and never have enough, your perspective changes and it is much harder to live by middle class moral standards. When you feel beaten down with no way out, surviving seems much more important than a moral code of ethics. Rules turn into very fine lines, easily crossed with justifications, frustrations and hopelessness.
Be careful how you judge others who are down and out, or at a different class level than yourself, or you may find someday you are in the same position of having to choose to survive or break a rule or two.
Take this from a former middle class conservative who has fallen on bad times and had to reevaluate my life.
Be careful how you judge others who are down and out, or at a different class level than yourself, or you may find someday you are in the same position of having to choose to survive or break a rule or two.
Take this from a former middle class conservative who has fallen on bad times and had to reevaluate my life.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Invisible Border
As I promised myself, since no one else is on here to promise to, I will write each day to give myself practice and learn. I want to be good at something, but I know it takes work to develop, so that is what I'm using this blog for, to develop.
A writer writes!
Invisible Border
On our side, there is crime, fear and tyranny,
The poor crowd the streets for something to eat,
Oppression crushes our spirits and autocracy rules our days.
At night we sleep without rest and worry fills our chests,
As we labor and long to breath free.
On your side, adventure fills the air with little despair,
Stores are full, jobs abound and there are sweet things to eat,
Your houses stand firm while ours are just shacks,
You country has all that our country lacks,
Yours songs sing of freedom to all, an American dream.
On our side we struggle to cloth our children and hide them from disease,
Trodden down to our knees, every day brings us new adversities,
Poverty fills our baskets, and needs obscure our wants,
To drink fresh water would be a pleasure,
To have enough we would be thankful forever.
On your side you have forgotten your blessings abound,
With cars and boats and vacations and toys,
Yet you would deny us much simpler joys,
And keep us from coming to your land of plenty,
Because you say of us there are too many.
But I ask you my friend, what would you do?
If everything in reverse were true?
Wouldn’t you do whatever it takes?
A better life for your family to make,
And you too cross that invisible line?
In a world where no border exist,
We could all share God’s given gifts,
We’d give as much as we would get,
Together live in peace, productivity and bliss,
Sooner or later no sides would be left.
A writer writes!
Invisible Border
On our side, there is crime, fear and tyranny,
The poor crowd the streets for something to eat,
Oppression crushes our spirits and autocracy rules our days.
At night we sleep without rest and worry fills our chests,
As we labor and long to breath free.
On your side, adventure fills the air with little despair,
Stores are full, jobs abound and there are sweet things to eat,
Your houses stand firm while ours are just shacks,
You country has all that our country lacks,
Yours songs sing of freedom to all, an American dream.
On our side we struggle to cloth our children and hide them from disease,
Trodden down to our knees, every day brings us new adversities,
Poverty fills our baskets, and needs obscure our wants,
To drink fresh water would be a pleasure,
To have enough we would be thankful forever.
On your side you have forgotten your blessings abound,
With cars and boats and vacations and toys,
Yet you would deny us much simpler joys,
And keep us from coming to your land of plenty,
Because you say of us there are too many.
But I ask you my friend, what would you do?
If everything in reverse were true?
Wouldn’t you do whatever it takes?
A better life for your family to make,
And you too cross that invisible line?
In a world where no border exist,
We could all share God’s given gifts,
We’d give as much as we would get,
Together live in peace, productivity and bliss,
Sooner or later no sides would be left.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Last Poem
This is the last one I've got from my all day writing session, but will try to do more later. If I ever get any followers, maybe someone can give me some feedback.
Colors of a Hero
He wears blue when he is soaring through the sky,
He wears white when he is sailing on the sea,
He wears brown when he hits the ground,
He wears green when he is in the trees,
When he has to fight, it is always night,
Because home is where he’d rather be,
But when the car bombs come,
He will never run,
He is taking care of you and me.
He wears orange when he’s on the flight deck,
He wears red when his blood is shed,
He wears purple when his valor is true,
He wears black when his fellows fall,
He stands with pride, on America’s side,
Waiting and watching to see,
If we will stand with him when he gives up his life,
And his loved ones never to see,
Will we be willing to help keep his America free?
And when all is through, he wears Red, White and Blue!
Colors of a Hero
He wears blue when he is soaring through the sky,
He wears white when he is sailing on the sea,
He wears brown when he hits the ground,
He wears green when he is in the trees,
When he has to fight, it is always night,
Because home is where he’d rather be,
But when the car bombs come,
He will never run,
He is taking care of you and me.
He wears orange when he’s on the flight deck,
He wears red when his blood is shed,
He wears purple when his valor is true,
He wears black when his fellows fall,
He stands with pride, on America’s side,
Waiting and watching to see,
If we will stand with him when he gives up his life,
And his loved ones never to see,
Will we be willing to help keep his America free?
And when all is through, he wears Red, White and Blue!
What the heck!
I'll put the other two here now, no since waiting. I'll try to write one everyday just to practice.
To Climb a Tree
Come little one and sit on this knee,
The one that used to climb that tree,
Just like you on an endless quest,
To find and steal a robin’s nest.
Now too stiff to jump and run,
No longer young and full of fun,
My body says I’m all but done,
But to youth my mind has clung.
For now my days are filled with tears,
As I long for the passing years,
To run and play without a doubt,
Is for you, what life is all about,
In memories too numerous to count,
There is little room to pout,
For all the joys of getting old,
Remain stories all untold,
As we age and grow so old,
Our life’s stories are used to show,
As you sit here and listen,
Think not of what you’re missing,
For in my tales of all my deeds,
You’ll find all the things you need,
To find where best to put your knee,
When you go out to climb that tree.
To Climb a Tree
Come little one and sit on this knee,
The one that used to climb that tree,
Just like you on an endless quest,
To find and steal a robin’s nest.
Now too stiff to jump and run,
No longer young and full of fun,
My body says I’m all but done,
But to youth my mind has clung.
For now my days are filled with tears,
As I long for the passing years,
To run and play without a doubt,
Is for you, what life is all about,
In memories too numerous to count,
There is little room to pout,
For all the joys of getting old,
Remain stories all untold,
As we age and grow so old,
Our life’s stories are used to show,
As you sit here and listen,
Think not of what you’re missing,
For in my tales of all my deeds,
You’ll find all the things you need,
To find where best to put your knee,
When you go out to climb that tree.
Poem 3
This poem is just for fun. I do hope sooner or later someone will become my follower and I won't feel like I'm talking to myself all the time, which is what I actually do in real life, so I don't know why I mind.
Anyway, two more to go. The best is last I think.
Escape
To bed, my love,
To bed,
Let the dread,
Flee from your head,
In dreams you immerse,
Another universe,
Reality undone,
Until morning sun,
In visions you play,
Let come what may,
This gift you are given,
To help you keep living,
And hide from a hectic day!
Anyway, two more to go. The best is last I think.
Escape
To bed, my love,
To bed,
Let the dread,
Flee from your head,
In dreams you immerse,
Another universe,
Reality undone,
Until morning sun,
In visions you play,
Let come what may,
This gift you are given,
To help you keep living,
And hide from a hectic day!
Poem 2
As I post these writings, any writings, feel free to comment on them and suggest any changes. One thing I've learned for sure over the past few weeks is that I'm not a great writer, so suggestions will only make me better. But I do suspect you have to sign up to follow me to ever be here to read them.
This poem was the second one I wrote when my prof friend encouraged me. I have written other poems in my past, but I don't think I've saved them.
Writer’s Dilemma
One thing I’ve learned in my efforts to write,
Through all the pains of getting it right,
The rules to which we must all agree,
Will never, ever come easily to me.
For me, my job is to tell a tale,
Full of wonderment beyond all scale,
With a life of its own in each reader’s mind,
The story is theirs and no longer mine.
To capture a reader’s imagination,
Is to me, writing’s true edification,
Getting lost in my world as my words they ingest,
Is an honor to me and the end of my quest,
But before I am done with my treasure to share,
There is one to whom I am a nightmare,
In reality the real work has just begun,
It is really my editor who says when I am done.
This poem was the second one I wrote when my prof friend encouraged me. I have written other poems in my past, but I don't think I've saved them.
Writer’s Dilemma
One thing I’ve learned in my efforts to write,
Through all the pains of getting it right,
The rules to which we must all agree,
Will never, ever come easily to me.
For me, my job is to tell a tale,
Full of wonderment beyond all scale,
With a life of its own in each reader’s mind,
The story is theirs and no longer mine.
To capture a reader’s imagination,
Is to me, writing’s true edification,
Getting lost in my world as my words they ingest,
Is an honor to me and the end of my quest,
But before I am done with my treasure to share,
There is one to whom I am a nightmare,
In reality the real work has just begun,
It is really my editor who says when I am done.
Poems
So another friend of mine suggested that I'm better at poetry than I am at writing, so I wrote a few poems and will post them here. Since I don't know what else to write about or anything amusing to joke about, I guess the poems will have to do, for awhile, at least until I get the hang of this thing.
I keep trying to remember, a writer writes! Since no one if following me yet, I will play around with this until I get it right.
First Poem:
The Last Mermaid
You do not know me,
You have never seen me,
Except through your peripheral vision,
Or your imagination and your sailors’ tall tales,
I glide through the waters as you stride through the air.
My breasts feed my young,
But they are covered with scales,
My hairs are but a few strings of thin reminiscence,
Nothing like the full thickness you depicted on your ships,
And I have no vocal cords with which to sing your songs.
My mind is full of wonders, of which you only dream,
You will never know all that I’ve seen,
I run from your oil and all that is toxin,
But I play in the toys you leave me to explore,
The sunken ships, airplanes and more.
Many a seamen have I saved in the night,
If only through fantasies they cling to in fright.
But in their dreams I give power to their fight,
In the sunlight I plunged, letting water surround me,
Deeper still, so you never found me.
As wise as I am, I cannot reach through,
The boundaries that separate me from you,
In different dimensions our worlds abide,
If only you could see beyond your eyes,
And let your dreams be realized,
My world gave birth to yours,
And shared with you your life,
But your world is killing mine.
If you understood our primeval relation,
You’d try harder to save our connection.
You’d know I’m worth saving, not for me alone,
And maybe you’d stop spilling into my home,
All the trash you want magically to disown,
For all your pollution, it is no surprise?
Is my biggest fear and is my demise.
I keep trying to remember, a writer writes! Since no one if following me yet, I will play around with this until I get it right.
First Poem:
The Last Mermaid
You do not know me,
You have never seen me,
Except through your peripheral vision,
Or your imagination and your sailors’ tall tales,
I glide through the waters as you stride through the air.
My breasts feed my young,
But they are covered with scales,
My hairs are but a few strings of thin reminiscence,
Nothing like the full thickness you depicted on your ships,
And I have no vocal cords with which to sing your songs.
My mind is full of wonders, of which you only dream,
You will never know all that I’ve seen,
I run from your oil and all that is toxin,
But I play in the toys you leave me to explore,
The sunken ships, airplanes and more.
Many a seamen have I saved in the night,
If only through fantasies they cling to in fright.
But in their dreams I give power to their fight,
In the sunlight I plunged, letting water surround me,
Deeper still, so you never found me.
As wise as I am, I cannot reach through,
The boundaries that separate me from you,
In different dimensions our worlds abide,
If only you could see beyond your eyes,
And let your dreams be realized,
My world gave birth to yours,
And shared with you your life,
But your world is killing mine.
If you understood our primeval relation,
You’d try harder to save our connection.
You’d know I’m worth saving, not for me alone,
And maybe you’d stop spilling into my home,
All the trash you want magically to disown,
For all your pollution, it is no surprise?
Is my biggest fear and is my demise.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Ok, so this is my first post, on my first blog and I have no clue what to write about. My friend, who started me doing this is a great writer and very funny. No such luck for my followers from me. I'm simply not funny, or witty, or interesting for that matter. But I will take his advice and write every day because I too want to be a published author someday. Oh, Yeah, I'm good at dreaming too.
Never having even read a blog before tonight, I'm not sure what it is supposed to accomplish or how I'm supposed to use it. But since I have no followers yet, I can say anything I want and bore myself to tears.
I will try to become clever and entertaining, but don't hold your breath, I'm certainly not.
Never having even read a blog before tonight, I'm not sure what it is supposed to accomplish or how I'm supposed to use it. But since I have no followers yet, I can say anything I want and bore myself to tears.
I will try to become clever and entertaining, but don't hold your breath, I'm certainly not.
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