The loss!

Yesterday I found out a very dear and close personal friend died. Roger was more than just a friend. He was a one time lover and we talked of getting married. That is where our relationship was headed before he became sick with liver cancer. Once that happened, he sort of closed ranks within himself and put everything on hold, much to my displeasure and protest.

I wanted to be there for him through his final days and even purposed to him. He had seen his wife through her cancer and been there with her through it all. Perhaps that is why he didn't want anyone with him, he knew how hard it was to go through that. I suppose he was protecting me, but it had the affect of leaving me out and feeling like an outsider.

I wish people had known how close we were and how important I was to him. He never even got to the stage of calling me his girlfriend, although he never dated anyone else, called every night and came every weekend to take me to dinner.

His death closes the door of one of my possible futures. I am certain we would have eventually married had he not gotten sick. That was our goal, but Roger was "pacing" himself and running a "marathon" not a "sprint". He told me he wasn't going anywhere and as long as he could physically keep that promise, he never did.

But then last week he did leave me, for good and I am heartbroken. Roger and I had deep discussions about God, heaven, etc. He firmly believed with his whole being in an afterlife and that he would be in Heaven. I never did. But now I wish more than anything his dream is real. I would like to think of him in a place like that, instead of having to face the probability that he is just gone....forever.

I imagine death of a close friend causes everyone a moment of deep introspection, questionings, regrets, hopes and a stew full of emotions. I know it has for me.

I will never be what Roger wanted for me, a true believer and Christian, especially now that "God" has taken such a wonderful man from me. I will continue to stay mad at the false hope people call "God", but I am grateful Roger had something strong to hold onto until the end. He prayed God would save him and that he could get a liver transplant, but I guess God wasn't listening.

I am in the deep pain someone goes through when they lose someone so dear to them. I will miss Roger terribly. He loved me and cared about me. He encouraged and supported me when others wouldn't. That is impossible to replace and is a cutting wound to live without.

Roper, I love and miss you. I'm sorry life was taken from you far too soon and I'm sorry for myself not to have you any longer. You were a good man. One of the few.

Business just might work

Unbelievably my new business venture looks very promising. Moving a lot of hay, which will build the foundation for the garden center in the spring. Even had my first storage building customer today. This might actually grow into a real business that makes money. So far it has been a lot of fun and giving some meaning in my life. Maybe I can redeem myself in the final phase in my life. A successful business that is actually profitable and that I can sell for a profit someday would sure sooth my embarrassed soul and validate me for a change.

My life is starting to have meaning and purpose. All this without a man!

Musing of a former swinger!

My sex drive currently is almost non-existent. The couple of reasons I feel for this situation is not being able to find a man that I'm turned on enough by to even want to be sexual. The past several relationships have been sorely lacking in reasons for me to be stimulated. There just isn't very good dating material out here in the country, or at least not for my unusual standards.

I like intelligent men who have more to talk about than their pick up trucks and cows.

But mostly, I think I've jaded myself. I've been with so many men that I've become very selective in what I want out of sex. And I've gotten to the point, if I don't get what I like, then I don't want anything at all. Most men just aren't worth the effort it takes in being super sexual and participating in things I don't particularly like. I used to do everything I could to please a man, even if I didn't care for the act, but now, I just don't care enough to put that kind of effort in with someone I'm not in love with.

I've also gotten lazy this past year. I find I want to be "serviced" more than I want a mutual exchange of excitement or foreplay.

Out of all the men I've been with, and there have been a lot, only three raise to the top of being a perfect match for me. Lately I find I want a really hard dick, a man who is not too overweight and doesn't have a large belly, (it is hard putting too fat bellies together), who has the energy to move fast and who does not take forever to cum. Although almost any penis will do, I've grown to like a certain size that fits into my vagina perfectly, both width and length.

Although I don't admit it to most men, there is a "perfect fit" and I sure enjoy it when it is perfect. The "perfect fit" is different for every woman because, just like the men, women's bodies are all different sizes and what is comfortable to one, may not be comfortable to another.

I found this to be true one time when a shared a lover with a girlfriend. He was absolutely perfect for me, one of the best lovers I've ever had, but she didn't like him at all. That was very strange for me, but it all makes sense when you analysis it in detail.

I have always said my brain was the largest sex organ I have and it is true. If I'm really into a man, nothing matters. When I was with the man I'm in love with, I would do anything for him, enjoying every minute, and didn't care whether we had sex or not. But even with a much better physical lover, some of the best, I've just laid there and not enjoyed myself at all. So for me, sex not to mention love making, is all about how turned on I am by the man himself.

And I've been with so many men, not many men interest me anymore. It takes a very special person to get me to even want to try. This is coming from a woman who has done it all and been very wild in my swinging days.

I do not regret all my sexual activity, in fact just the opposite. I am proud I've delivered myself from the chains of sexual repression and I've enjoyed all the exploring. Learned a lot, did what I wanted and discovered things about myself I might not have ever learned, so all is not lost. But my sex drive sure is for right now. And I don't even mind.

Without the pull of sexual activity, if frees you up from not having to do all the other dull things than go with pleasing a man, like cooking for him, watching sports, letting him talk for hours about nonsense and feeling used because when he wants sex, you pretty much are expected to want it too. And most men want it a lot in the first few encounters. By the time they lose interest in you, you are so ready for them to leave.

Living without sex is probably a good thing for me, at least for awhile. Sex will mean more when I do find a man I enjoy the other 90% of the time.

I'm sure age has something to do with slowing down, but then I keep running into men my age who can't perform, so it works both ways.

It is this time in life where it would be nice to have a man you've been with for years, that you truly love and loves you. No expectations, no demands, no pressure to preform, just everyday life with a little spice from time to time.

Is there a God?

I still don't know the answer to that question. I do know that I lean very strongly against there being a god. I have many valid reasons to reason this, yet Christians are funny people, they will not believe someone has good reasons for not believing. They don't listen to your reasons, no matter how valid they are. They turn everything around to as somehow you were damaged and lost your way, but that God has not left you, you've left God.

Everything is about belief and blind faith. I can not do blind faith again for anyone. If there is a god, he/she/it should be powerful enough, in light of all they created and intelligent enough, to prove their existence through the science they obviously love so much that they used in every aspect of creation. If science is so vital to life, which there is no denying that, then why can't science be used to prove to us doubters that there really is a being who controls things? Is that so much to ask?

As a parent, you wouldn't want your children to just believe any stranger that came up to them and made some claim. You would want your children to be smart enough to ask questions, to ask for proof of any given claim, before they blindly wondered off with a stranger into a weird way of life. You don't want your children to be anyone's fool. Isn't God the ultimate parent? Shouldn't he want us to question and demand proof. Why does he supposedly want us to just blindly follow some stories being told to us by people motivated to get us to follow along?

None of the God claims make any sense when put to the test of logic, yet God had to have the ultimate logic to create the science that rules the creation.

There is logic and science behind everything that exists, except God. In him, you must "blindly believe". Somehow, giving over your reason for blind belief makes you a "better" person or more open soul. Can anyone say gullible?

Deep down, I want there to be a god. The thought of nothingness on the other side of life is not pleasant for me and I cling to the childhood dreams of a magical world beyond this one in which I will be reunited with all my loved ones...especially my mother whom I miss daily.

All I can say at this point, is that I hope I'm wrong about God, but I fear I am not.

Another year older!

Well my birthday came and went and I am now officially another year older. While I am getting happier each passing year, I feel the winter of my life threatening me as not being too far off.

The only thing my birthday didn't have was a romantic interest in my life and that was sort of sad. If I listen to some of the men on my dating site, I may not have anything a man wants anymore. My looks are certainly going down hill fast, I am not aging gracefully. Quite the opposite. I feel as if I look 10 years older than I am.

My sex drive has all but died on me and I'm not into "preforming sex" anymore. I don't have anything to prove to anyone any longer, so my approach to sex is more in the warmth of having someone lie beside me stage. I don't do anything I don't like to do just for the man. My whole life is turning into pretty much all about me and what I want. Very unusual position for me to be in.

My business is providing me the "fill" in the emptiness I was feeling. It is something productive to do everyday. I just have to try and not take it too seriously. It is not one of my "get rich" dreams and I have to stay focused on it being just something to do and some extra money mindset. I don't want to put myself under the pressure of it having to be a huge success. Just a small success will do.

My car is still down which causes me huge frustration and keeps me reminded how dependent I am on my children, especially Steve and Carolyn. I do want that to change, but I'm getting very comfortable living out here. I like my little house. Everything is so efficient and I've always been a fan of being efficient.

I've given up on the love of my life finally and really this time for sure. I know he does not love me and never will, so I've accepted that and am trying to completely close that door. It would be nice to still be friends with him because I still find him a remarkable person, but we women have a hard time with that. Every time I am around him, all the old feelings come back as strong as ever. So, in order to protect myself and any growth I've made towards giving him up, I have to cut him completely out of my life. It is very, very sad and hard for me. I know I will never love like that again. It was a once in a lifetime deal.

But I do hope to find companionship someday. I'm ready now. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life and I'd like to have someone to share in my life and family and I in his.

It may not sound as if I'm as content as I am, but I am basically very happy now. There are a couple of sad things in my life, but I'm not under the pressure and stress I've known most of my life. So, life is good finally.