Another year older!

Well my birthday came and went and I am now officially another year older. While I am getting happier each passing year, I feel the winter of my life threatening me as not being too far off.

The only thing my birthday didn't have was a romantic interest in my life and that was sort of sad. If I listen to some of the men on my dating site, I may not have anything a man wants anymore. My looks are certainly going down hill fast, I am not aging gracefully. Quite the opposite. I feel as if I look 10 years older than I am.

My sex drive has all but died on me and I'm not into "preforming sex" anymore. I don't have anything to prove to anyone any longer, so my approach to sex is more in the warmth of having someone lie beside me stage. I don't do anything I don't like to do just for the man. My whole life is turning into pretty much all about me and what I want. Very unusual position for me to be in.

My business is providing me the "fill" in the emptiness I was feeling. It is something productive to do everyday. I just have to try and not take it too seriously. It is not one of my "get rich" dreams and I have to stay focused on it being just something to do and some extra money mindset. I don't want to put myself under the pressure of it having to be a huge success. Just a small success will do.

My car is still down which causes me huge frustration and keeps me reminded how dependent I am on my children, especially Steve and Carolyn. I do want that to change, but I'm getting very comfortable living out here. I like my little house. Everything is so efficient and I've always been a fan of being efficient.

I've given up on the love of my life finally and really this time for sure. I know he does not love me and never will, so I've accepted that and am trying to completely close that door. It would be nice to still be friends with him because I still find him a remarkable person, but we women have a hard time with that. Every time I am around him, all the old feelings come back as strong as ever. So, in order to protect myself and any growth I've made towards giving him up, I have to cut him completely out of my life. It is very, very sad and hard for me. I know I will never love like that again. It was a once in a lifetime deal.

But I do hope to find companionship someday. I'm ready now. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life and I'd like to have someone to share in my life and family and I in his.

It may not sound as if I'm as content as I am, but I am basically very happy now. There are a couple of sad things in my life, but I'm not under the pressure and stress I've known most of my life. So, life is good finally.